The Seven Principles for Making Marriage WORK by John Gottman

Several people recently have asked me for guidance in their marriage. Since this is not my field, I asked another friend, an experienced marriage counsellor for her advice and she suggested this book in which John Gottman describes not only why marriages fail, but (more importantly) how you can accomplish a rich understanding between you and your partner, that will allow both of you to feel safe and secure in the relationship

I have found it so interesting and useful, I would like to share what I have found with you. I do suggest you read it, if you are in a relationship or interested in this topic. However, I also hope to give you a brief but useful summary below.

Before I do, let me note that this book is not universally loved. Some of the reviews I read suggested that it reinforced gender stereotypes. I am not going to speak to this issue today, although I can see that this might be true. I am not sure that this point negates the usefulness of the writer’s insights and engageing questionaires and other thought-provoking activities.

John Gottman and his team of researchers have studied a vast number of couples in their research, and come up with some fundamental principles to help you acheive a life-long partnership. But before we get to the seven principles, its essential that you nurture your friendship. Prioritise it by letting your parenter know about your day and about your inner life. This is the most important thing. A strong friendship allows you both to use “Positive …. override”, (PSO) in other words, knowing that your partners intentions for you are positive, and therefore successfully overriding negative words, situations, assumptions. PSO gets alot of mention in the book. This concept really resonates with me. Its so easy to let negativity take over in a relationship. If you nurture your friendship, this is much less likely.

Gottmanss four horseman of the apolcalypse (Contempt,